Sexing The Tutorial Up
by kellegirl
Summary: There is no way to describe how utterly stupid this really is.


_Alright, this idea popped up while editing my profile and it's amusing me to no end. Please bear with my stupidity. Alternatively titled, "What is this, I don't even know"._

_Disclaimer:__ Characters belong to their respective owners. No profit is being made from this work._

_Warning:__ Adult themed crack, breaking the fourth wall, and oh my god I'm an idiot. Yes, my own blatant stupidity is in fact a warning._

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"Ahem," an authoritative voice sounded into the murky blankness that seemed to hold sway over the area, "Welcome class. I bet you wonder where you are right about now. Well, this is what I'm going to call literary limbo. This is the in between, the space within the author's mind that is just waiting to be filled with the wonders of plot, characterization, and on occasion utter stupidity. Is everyone with me so far? Oh right, I forgot, you're not here yet. You see, right now I'm breaking the fourth wall, but we're not supposed to talk about that so we'll just ignore the infringement for the time being. Anyway, today we're going to be looking at the literary process of adult literature. Now, we need our author to start."

A loud zapping noise rang out followed by not too subtle cursing.

"Now that I have the author's attention we'll begin. Author, choose your characters."

"…is my mind abusing me?" a confused voice murmured.

"Yes, now get on with the porn."

"Um…okay," the author's inner voice responded, "I guess I'll go with Cloud and Leon since I haven't used them in a while."

Almost instantaneously two figures popped into existence. The first was short with spiky blond hair, sparkling sapphire eyes, slightly feminine features, and a lithe body. The second was slightly taller than the blond, had shoulder length chestnut hair, steely grey eyes, a scar running down his face between his eyes, and a toned body.

"Good," the authoritative voice said, "Now that we have our characters we can continue. Now class I want you to pay special attention to the detail in the author's imagination. This is important to later descriptions that may be made. Right author, describe them effectively."

"Do I have to?" the author asked.

"I will shock you again."

"Right. Um…okay. Cloud held himself with practiced ease, his form relaxed yet poised to strike at any moment. His blond locks swayed slightly in the minute breeze, ruffling the soft spikes. His attire was comprised completely of black clothing, the black zip up sweater missing one sleeve and black slacks loose and easy to move in. His companion stood at attention, steely eyes sweeping over his surroundings, ignoring the questioning sapphire eyes that gazed at him. Skin tanned from hard work under the sun complimented his earth toned clothes. A jagged scar across the bridge of his nose was the only thing that marred his masculine features. …happy now?"

"Not really but it'll do for now," the mystery voice sighed, "Alright class, now that you've seen the basics of physical description we can move on to characterization. This involves the characters' participation, so we'll leave the author alone for now. You can't leave."

"Damn it," the author cursed.

"Um, excuse me," the blond raised a gloved hand, "Can I leave?"

"No," the first voice said, "We need you for now."

"What exactly am I here for?" Cloud asked, his eyes moving over the black emptiness around him, "And where is here for that matter?"

"What's with all the questions?" the voice barked, "Just go along with it already if you don't want to be horrifically tortured!" Both characters looked thoroughly disturbed by the threat while a general sense of unease seemed to flow from the disembodied author. "Right….well, get on with characterizing yourselves."

A slight clicking noise was heard as the voice seemed to walk away, something that in itself made absolutely no sense as it was a voice and not a person. The characters and author decided not to comment on it. The two males looked at one another wearily before glancing around in an attempt to find out anything about their current location.

"So, um, I guess I'm supposed to give you personalities now or something," the author said.

"Where are you exactly?" Leon asked, gray eyes sweeping over the absolute nothingness around him.

"I'm not really sure," the author admitted, "I think I'm having a mass hallucination or near death experience. You should probably assume the same thing and just go with it."

"I have some problems with that theory," Cloud murmured.

"You got a better one?"

"Not really, no," the blond shrugged slightly.

"Alright….so….I guess you have to interact now and I have to describe it," the author guessed, "So…interact."

Both males looked at one another briefly before shrugging slightly. The staring continued for a moment before the characters went back to looking at the darkness surrounding them as the author slowly started to lose interest. After a good ten minutes of absolutely nothing happening Leon finally let out a mighty sigh.

"Alright," the brunet announced, "This is obviously not working as the author is far too lazy to give a shit about any of this. That or we're in a story that it doesn't actually matter in."

"Hey!" the author exclaimed, "I do give a shit! Just…not right now. I could be eating right now if that voice hadn't decided to drag me into all this. I was making stew!"

"See," Leon said, holding up a hand authoritatively, "The author is clearly distracted and unconcerned with the wellbeing of this story. As such I propose we characterize ourselves and leave them out of it."

"Oh hell no!" the author growled, "I am god in this universe! Cloud, you are stoic, well mannered, strong, and get to top Leon."

"Yes!" Cloud grinned as he pumped his fist excitedly.

"Leon, you are a catty little bitch and I hate you. You are on the bottom."

"Oh I'll make you pay for this," Leon growled, a sour expression on his face.

"I'm sure you will," the author's voice had taken on a distinctly patronizing tone, "As you are nothing more than a figment of my imagination at this point in time I'm sure you're perfectly capable of harming me despite the fact that I don't have a body."

"How do you know you're not a figment of my imagination?" Leon shot back.

"Would you be bottoming if you were in charge?"

"No."

"Well there you go!" the author said cheerfully.

Leon simply glowered at that and the entire group settled into an uncomfortable silence. After several minutes the clicking noise of the approaching voice was heard.

"Have you finished characterizing each other?" the voice asked.

"I for one highly object to the role I have been given," Leon muttered.

"I like it," Cloud smirked only to scowl as the brunet punched him in the arm.

"Is this consistent with what you set up?" the voice inquired.

"Are you talking to them or me?" the author asked, "It's kind of hard to tell when neither of us have bodies but they do."

"Yes author, I was talking to you, now is it consistent?"

The author glanced over at the two characters before trying to shrug and realizing that it was impossible in their current state. "Sure," the author muttered, "Why not, let's go with it."

The voice gave a slightly exasperated sigh, "Very well. After the characterization is set in place the actual sex scene may commence. However, before we can write a sex scene we need to know how it will go down. In order for this to occur we must do research. Research is very simple, it involves looking up materials on sex. Some people like to refer to this as watching porn, but really all you're doing is making sure that you're well versed on the ins and outs of the sexual act. Now, let us do some research."

A TV screen appeared out of nowhere and the group crowded around it, something that really didn't make much sense if you thought about it since half the group didn't actually have bodies, but it was a trivial detail that could be ignored. Several hours later they finally ran out of DVDs and all sat back to ponder what they had watched. Their ponderings were varied greatly, the voice wondered briefly if the research would make a difference, the author was fantasizing about their wonderful stew waiting for them back in the real world, and Cloud and Leon were asleep.

"Well then," the voice chirped happily as the author was jostled out of their fantasy and the characters woke up, "Now that the research faze is complete we can get on to the actual sex scene. Author, take it away."

"Um…."the author paused, clearly having not paid attention to the research, "Cloud and Leon have sex….the end?"

"…" the voice's disapproval was obvious.

"Um…I mean….they have highly detailed and graphic sex, the end."

_ZAP_

"Oooooowwww," the author whined, "How can you do that when I don't have a body to hurt?"

"I am god here, not you," the voice growled.

"Okay, okay," the author grumbled, "Cloud ravishes Leon, major kissing and whatnot. Maybe a blowjob ensues. Preparation, yada yada, and then entry, thrusting, orgasms for everyone, the end."

"….I wish I had a face so you could see how much I hate you right now," the voice muttered.

"I don't want to be the author anymore."

"Can we go home yet?" Leon asked as he raised a hand in a questioning manner.

"Oh for the love of…fine, everyone go home, I give up," the voice exclaimed, "All I wanted to do was provide a simple tutorial on how to write smut and you all had to ruin it."

"Well maybe you shouldn't have dragged us all here unwillingly," Cloud pointed out, "I mean really, it's more of a noncon tutorial at this point."

"I hope you die," the voice growled.

"Aeris will just send me back," the blond quipped before tossing his hair in a very effeminate manner and promptly disappearing into thin air.

"Right…well….bye," Leon muttered and disappeared in turn.

"How do I get home?" the author asked.

"Figure it out on your own," the voice responded.

Then the author was alone in the vast nothingness that was the place where story ideas were born.

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_I don't know…..I really don't, I just had to write it. _


End file.
